He's acting ... differently, but you just can't put
your finger on why. Then, his cell phone rings in
the middle of the night and he doesn't have a
good explanation.
We've all heard the "he blames you for cheating"
and "his cell phone has a password on it"
behaviors of cheating men, but those are the
obvious shifts.
After interviewing 50 cheating men (and a
number of their wives/ex-wives), there are
several subtle changes that often take place that
women are usually unaware of until it's too late.
1. He strays from his predictable everyday
behavior.
"My wife knew I was cheating before there was
any real evidence. She said she should could
just tell."
After spending time with someone for a number
of months (or even years), you know their typical
behavior. You know how they act in certain
situations, and when they act differently you
want an explanation — if not cheating, then
something else real and tangible.
In this respondent's case, when he started his
affair, he would grab his phone and head into
the restroom for 20 to 30 minutes. His excuse:
He was "reading email and the news ." The only
problem was, his phone bill showed something
very different.
2. He remembers things wrong or loses track of
the details.
"I was talking to my wife about a movie we saw
and laughing about one of the scenes. She
wasn't laughing. I asked, 'What? Don't you
remember?' She then informed me that we hadn't
seen it together."
As he spends more time with both you and his
mistress , the memories of his time spent with
her and the memories of his time spent with you
will start to blur together. Schedules get crossed
and he won't be able to keep track of where he
was on any given day. The time he spent with
another woman is entirely unaccounted for —
often, with no explanation.
3. He suddenly needs a lot of privacy.
"I was working from home and I started closing
the door more often, saying that the kids were
loud or that I just needed to work quietly. I was
online chatting with my mistress ."
To take time for one's self is normal. But when
it's out of the normal pattern — or is more and
more frequent — it's a sign that something else
is going on . Going into work early, leaving late,
getting off the phone suddenly, and taking lots of
private calls from a "relative" (mom, sister,
someone untraceable) are also red flags.
4. He has a drastic change in sexual appetite
and style.
"I started my affair and all I wanted was sex , but
not from my wife. She knew something was up,
because our sex life was always pretty active."
"After I started up with [my mistress], I started
sleeping with my wife much more often. She told
me I was really aggressive in bed and that she
hadn't seen me that way before."
A sudden shift in what's "regular" or familiar in
bed — without discussing wanting something
new — is a big warning sign of cheating. All the
men I interviewed expressed experiencing a huge
rush of testosterone, which manifested as a new
confidence during sex. They felt strong,
masculine, virile — like every woman wanted
them. Their egos were growing daily.
5. He hides his financial history from you.
"I was meeting her for lunch almost daily. And
our hotel visits were three or four times per
week. Covering that was very difficult. I opened a
PayPal account, got a PayPal debit card and
attached a personal checking account to my
PayPal account. I would make online transfers
into PayPal and she couldn't see any of my
transactions."
Most cheating men will need an untraceable way
to pay for things : gifts, meals, hotels, trips, etc.
Reloadable credit cards, PayPal accounts, and
eBay purchases are all great ways to hide large
or frequent transactions. Definitely investigate
large, random transfers or cash withdrawals.
6. He has new "friends" at work and/or more
work responsibilities.
"My company allowed me to work from home if I
choose. But I'd started a relationship with a new
manager at the office, so I started going in to
work more often. When I extended my business
trips a day before or after, I actually needed at a
remote site, extended office lunches and late
hours."
Office affairs are very common, especially
considering how much time we spend working
together. He might mention his new "friend" to
dispel any suspicions you have and if you pop in
to the office unexpectedly, or he might even
introduce you to his "coworker" to throw you off
the scent. Follow your gut and pay attention to
his other behaviors.
7. He's secretive with his phones
"iMessages on the iPhone are untraceable on
cell phone bills. I would only text [my mistress]
when it was safe and then delete the messages
immediately. To this day my wife doesn't know
how I communicated with [my mistress]."
"I bought SnapChat on my cellphone to
communicate with her."
"I didn't want to send emails, which are
traceable. So, we established a new Gmail
account and communicated in the drafts folder,
without ever sending anything."
"We bought Gliph and were sending anonymous,
'cloaked' emails."
Technology is now smarter and affairs have gone
high-tech. A new password on his cell phone or
computer, a change of password at your bank or
cell phone company, or cell phones being "left in
the car" were once valid signs of infidelity .
But now, cheaters fly under the radar by using
technology to do their communication dirty
work. Apps exist that allow text messages,
online chat sessions and pictures to last for a
certain amount of time (and then disappear).
Pay attention to new email accounts and new
apps being used on his cell phone.
While these signs aren't foolproof signs of
cheating, a few taken in combination are sure
signs that something is up.
My advice: don't make accusations that you
can't back up. But, if you do suspect it, sit him
down for a long talk about your concerns. If that
nagging feeling doesn't disappear, you have
some choices to make — and perhaps some
investigations to start.
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